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. I want it, he confessed. Ofcourse I want it.But I m afraid, Mercy.I always was a coward youknow that now.And I just stopped the screaming in my own head, andI m not sure if that s gonna come back and drown out a baby, becausethat wouldn t be fair.So can I talk to some people? Your man? she asked, half-angry, and he nodded. Yeah.But my shrink, and Donnie s mom. He half laughed. Because you know who I m going to be running to for help.Mercy nodded. Yeah, I know.Okay, Chase.You talk.You getbetter.You think.But not too long.I need to go start making plans byMarch, because I m due in May.So you let me know before then.She reached into her purse and pulled out a piece of paper. I gotthe same cell phone, but here s my parents phone.They re under strictorders not to hang up on you if you call.Chase sighed, having to ask the question.Her parents were prettytraditional, third-generation Mexican immigrants. Your folks okaywith you?She shrugged. They hate your gay ass, but they don t blame meso much.They don t get about the baby, though.They think I ll justkeep it, but  You ve got a whole different future, he said softly. Youdeserve a whole different future.I& I love you, Mercy.For no otherreason than you re even letting me think about this.Because youforgave me just enough to let me know, even if I don t take it.She nodded and wiped her cheek with her hand. I m glad you reokay, she said, her voice shaking. I am.You scared me so bad.But Idon t think I can see you much until the baby is born, okay? It justhurts too much to know you re not mine.She bent and dropped a kiss on his forehead and thendeterminedly stalked out, grabbing her purse and striding through thedoor to the little  family room with the single vision of getting thefuck out of there.Chase briefly thought about going after her, of stopping tocomfort her, because he knew she was going to cry and he hated thatshe would cry alone.Then he realized, truly realized, that holding herwhen she cried was not something he was allowed to do anymore.So he sat in the room for another few minutes and did his cryingalone, too.THE boy in the living room was not really a boy.He was a man in hisearly twenties, with dark hair, long canines, and a fierce grin.He washolding an infant against his chest and dancing gently while anacoustic version of Foo Fighters  Statues played in the background.The baby wasn t screaming, just fussing a little, and the blond boy, thetall one with the rangy baseball player s body, was in the kitchen,frantically mixing formula into a bottle before the fussing got louder. Daddy Chase! called the dark-haired young man. Hurry up!Baby s not waiting! I m doing my best, Tommy! Chase said, laughing a little.Helooked happy.Tired and a little bit frantic, but happy.Tommy, holdingthe baby and singing softly, looked luminous.CHASE told Tommy first.It was hard, because Doc came in to make sure he was okay, andhe wasn t, but he was tired of just spilling his insides out for no otherpurpose than to make them shiny and clean.He wanted to talk toTommy.As much as he d shared with Doc, as much as the guy hadcome to mean to him, this news was for Tommy.Doc would go hometo his wife, but Tommy would have to live with what Chase had done,and it was only fair.So Tommy walked through the door and Chase was sitting on thebed with both knees drawn up to his chest, feeling like he needed toinvest in one of those big padded armor suits like they wore in TheHurt Locker for defusing bombs. What d we talk about in therapy today? Tommy tried to joke. Have you gotten to the point where you reenact the porn, because I vebeen looking forward to that!Chase was proud of himself.He actually managed a half smile. Sit down, he said softly. I ve got news, and it s sort ofsomething we haven t talked about and& God.It s like a cosmicfucking joke, actually.Tommy didn t sit on the chair anymore.He sat up on the bedacross from Chase, one leg folded and the other dangling down to thefloor. Hit me with it, he said pragmatically, nodding his head. Infact, tell it like a joke it ll make it easier.Like,  Didja hear about theporn star who&. Chase cracked a half smile.God love Tommy.That picture in hishead suddenly felt so real. Okay, Chase said,  this one s fuckinhysterical.You re gonna laugh yourself to San Francisco while youfind another guy without so much fuckin baggage prepare yourself.Tommy reached out and grabbed his hand. Hit me. Didja hear about the porn star who knocked up his girlfriendbefore he tried to kill himself? Tommy s mouth fell open in surpriseand Chase kept going. She s so deluded she actually thinks he s abetter bet to raise the kid, and if he doesn t, she s giving it up foradoption.Tommy s hand, bony and uncomfortable, tightened on Chase s,and Chase could hardly look at his face, but he could hardly look awayeither.That smile that manic Loki smile dawned slowly, so slowlythat for a horrible heartbeat Chase didn t know which way it was going. We re gonna be daddies?Chase laughed helplessly. I haven t decided yet.Tommy nodded like that last part didn t mean shit. We re gonnabe daddies. Tommy, I m still in a mental institution. Because he felt likethat needed emphasizing.Tommy shrugged.What, didn t all daddies go to the fuckingfunny farm before they became stellar goddamned parents?  We regoing to be daddies! he said happily, and Chase tried to inflict somereality on the situation. Tommy, I m not even sure I can do this! I m a mess.I ve gotmaybe one good role model in my life, and all I really know about heris that she gave me cookies when I was a kid.What makes you think Ican say yes?Tommy s expression grew suddenly fierce and stubborn. Fuckthat! he snapped, and when Chase recoiled a little, Tommy stood upand started pacing, because he did his best thinking when he wasmoving. I m serious, Chase.Fuck that.Fuck the  I m crazy bullshit, fuckthe  I don t know how to do this bullshit.Fuck the whole thing aboutthe world scaring you shitless.I get it, and now I don t give a shit. Hestopped for a second, as though remembering he really was talking to amental patient, and revised. Okay, I do give a shit, but you need tostop that crap right now.You re not letting that get in the way.You renot letting the shit you re afraid of fuck this up for us. Us?Tommy whirled, his Loki-bright eyes suddenly so hopeful it hurt. What, Chase you think you re the only one with pretty pictures of afuture in your head? For the last year, my pretty pictures have been youand me, and, yes, sometime in the future, a kid.And then you remindedme, almost when we met, that we d made choices that made that maybenot so easy, you know? Because who s going to give a kid to a coupleof gay porn stars, right? Well, now someone is dying to give us achild. Tommy s eyes grew brighter, and he unashamedly wiped hishand across his cheek. And not just any baby.A baby who s going tolook like you.Tommy suddenly stopped pacing and walked up to Chase then,his hands out beseechingly. Don t you know how beautiful you are?The pretty, yeah, you know that or you wouldn t have gotten paid,right? But& but you.This baby is going to look like you [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]