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.Most of our emotions have a distinctive signal that tells othershow we are feeling.Thoughts, on the other hand, are totally private.No one knows if we are thinking about our mother, the show we aremissing on television, or how to change our Internet stock invest-ments unless emotions are mixed in with those thoughts, as theyoften are.While there is no external signal that even tells people weare thinking, let alone what we are thinking, that is not the case withemotion.Although individuals differ in how expressive they are,emotions are not invisible or silent.Others who look at us and listento what we say could tell how we are feeling, unless we were to makea concerted effort to squelch our expressions.Even then, some traceof our emotions might leak out and could be detected.2We may not always like the fact that others can know how we feel;even the most open people find times when they would prefer tokeep their feelings private.Helen might not have wanted to let Jimknow she was annoyed, but her face might have betrayed her even ifshe kept herself from saying anything.It is part of our evolutionaryheritage that we signal when each emotion begins.Presumably, overthe course of our history as a species, it was more useful than not forothers to know what emotion we were experiencing without ourhaving to make the choice to tell them.For Helen, a slight look ofannoyance might serve to prod Jim to explain why he couldn't giveher more notice: "I know this will be hard on you, honey, but I haveno choice; my boss just called when you were in the shower and saidthere was an emergency meeting." Now knowing that Jim wasn'tbeing inconsiderate, Helen's anger fades.But her anger might notfade if, as I mentioned in chapter 3, she were resentful about othermatters, or if she imported into this situation anger based on herexperience with her bullying brother.Another remarkable feature about the emotion signal system isthat it is always "on." It is ready to broadcast instantly every emotionwe feel.Think what life would be like if there were a switch, if itcould be in the "off" position unless we chose to switch it "on." Itwould make child care impossible, for one thing.If it were off,how would we know what to do and when to do it? As parents ofolder children, would we want to have to plead with our kids to turntheir emotional signals back on? In friendships, in courting, even inthe workplace, it would become a central issue: "Do you have youremotion signals switched on or off?" Who would be willing tospend time with us, other than those with whom we have the mosttrivial exchanges, such as the fellow who sells us the morning news-paper, if they knew we had chosen to deprive them of informationabout how we are feeling?Fortunately we don't have that choice, and, while we do have theability to dampen our emotional signals, we are rarely perfect in ourattempts to inhibit them.Of course, some people are much moreable than others to dampen or even eliminate any sign of the emo-tions they are feeling.It is not certain whether this is because thesepeople experience emotions less intensely, or if they have a superiorability in suppressing any sign of the emotion they are experiencing.John Gottman and Robert Levenson have found that men who"stonewall," showing little about how they feel when their wivesexpress anger, are actually, on a physiological level, experiencingtheir emotions very intensely.3 Stonewalling itself can be consideredan emotional signal, a signal of being overpowered, of being unableor unwilling to deal with the matter at hand.Although I have notdone the work, I expect that careful examination would find thatfear or anger is signaled through subtle facial or vocal expressionsprior to stonewalling or during the stonewalling itself.Emotion signals emerge almost instantly when an emotion begins.When we are sad, for example, our voices automatically becomesofter and lower, and the inner corners of our eyebrows are pulledup.If the emotion begins slowly, building up over a few seconds, thesignal may become stronger, or there may be a series of signals inrapid sequence.The signals mark clearly when emotions begin, and,to a lesser extent, when they end.As long as an emotion is on, it willcolor the voice, but it is less certain whether there will be change inthe facial expressions.We can tell when a person is no longer in thegrip of an emotion because we hear the absence of that emotion andwe no longer see the expression on the face, or because we hear andsee instead the expression of the next emotion that is on.It is important to remember that emotional signals do not tell ustheir source.We may know someone is angry without knowingexactly why.It could be anger at us, anger directed inward at his orher self, or anger about something the person just remembered thathas nothing to do with us.Sometimes we can figure it out from ourknowledge of the immediate context.Suppose you were to say toyour son, "Johnny, you can't go out to the movies with your friendstonight; you have to stay home and take care of your youngerbrother, because the baby-sitter canceled and your father and I mustgo to our dinner party." If Johnny looks angry, it is probably withyou for interfering with his plans, for thinking your commitmentsfor the evening take precedence over his.Then again, Johnny mightbe angry with himself for caring that much, for feeling so much dis-appointment.Not likely, but still possible.We have to avoid Othello's error.4 Recall that in Shakespeare's play,Othello accuses his wife, Desdemona, of loving Cassio.He tells herto confess since he is going to kill her for her treachery.Desdemonaasks Othello to call Cassio to testify to her innocence.Othello tellsher that he has already had Cassio murdered.Desdemona realizes shewill not be able to prove her innocence and that Othello will kill her.DESDEMONA: Alas, he is betrayed, and I undone!OTHELLO: Out, strumpet! Weep'st thou for him tomy face?DESDEMONA: O, banish me, my lord, but kill me not!OTHELLO: Down, strumpet!Othello's mistake was not a failure to recognize how Desdemonafelt; he knew she was anguished and afraid.His error was in believ-ing that emotions have only one source, in interpreting her anguishas due to the news of her supposed lover's death, and her fear as thatof an unfaithful wife who has been caught in her betrayal.He killsher without considering that her anguish and fear could have differ-ent sources.That they were the reactions of an innocent womanwho knew her intensely jealous husband was about to kill her, andthat there was no way she could prove her innocence.If we are to avoid Othello's error, we have to resist the temptationof jumping to conclusions, and strive to consider alternative reasonsother than the reason we most suspect for why an emotion is shown [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]